You again!
by Pen52
Summary: This is just a bit of TOB humor. Did you ever wonder what would happen if Salvanas ended up in the Saradush inn after the sacking of Athkatla? Well, I did. This is my take on it. Reviews are very much welcome.


**You again!**

**Disclaimer**: I own absolutely nothing. It is a sad truth.

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It is a calm day in the streets of Saradush, the peace interrupted only by an occasional fireball. Alas, that is about to change. ****

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**Salvanas**: What is this luscious example of womanhood I see before me? Your lovely posterior is driving this poor elf to near distraction. My sweet, allow me to partake of your charms this evening… Oh, it's _you_!

**PC: **_Salvanas! _The gods must truly hate me.

**Sarevok**: _(frowns)_

**Anomen**: By Helm, not you again!

**Salvanas**: You wound me, fair one. Think of the loss to the world if Salvanas should perish. Who would the women turn to in the long hours of the night? Who would…

**PC: **Huh? What was that? Sorry, but I was deafened temporarily by the roaring sound of your ego.

**Salvanas**: … caress their aching bodies and bring them the pleasure they so deserve. Why, it would have been a tragedy of untold proportions if I hadn't used my unparalleled skills to escape the doomed city in time.

**PC**: Yes, a tragedy. How did you manage such a feat anyway? No offence Salvanas, but you're not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, or much of a warrior… Or much of anything for that matter. Err… Come to think of it, you standing here today borders on the miraculous.

**Salvanas**: Why do those luscious lips speak such nonsense? It must be the shock of hearing my person was in such peril. Do not be frightened, darling. Salvanas is quite safe now. Where was I? Oh yes! It is a tale of daring, love unrequited (on her side obviously) and lust. Oh, the lust! If you would accompany me to my chambers I could share with you all the exquisite details.

**Sarevok**: You dare speak to your betters in such a manner?

**Anomen**: My lady, let us away. The company here leaves something to be desired.

**PC**: (_sigh_) So, who was the wench? Apart from being the single ugliest woman in all of Amn. And the winner of the "_cud for brains_" contest, but that goes without saying... And possibly blind.

**Salvanas**: She was no wench, my sweet. Shush, there is no need for such petty jealousies. There is plenty of Salvanas to go around. The _lady_ in question was a stunning, radiant beauty who, after a single night in my arms, professed her undying love and devotion to me. Of course, Salvanas can never devote himself to any single beauty. There _are_ the needs of the many to think of. She was crushed, naturally, but she smuggled me through the siege nonetheless. After all, once you taste the delights Salvanas has to offer, you can never go back.

**PC:** That's because the poor souls unfortunate enough to... ugh! ...taste those _delights_, have no choice but to end it all afterwards.

**Salvanas: **How perceptive of you, my dear. Many a fair maiden decided a world without Salvanas in it was a world not worth living in. Come, and judge for yourself.

**Sarevok**: (_incredulous_) Who is this foppish oaf?

**PC: **You mean, you haven't heard of _Salvanas_? **_The_** Salvanas?

**Sarevok: **What? You could not be implying that this fool is somehow infamous?

**Salvanas**: Truly, who hasn't heard of Salvanas, conqueror of women? But, my beauty, you describe me so accurately, surely you wish to sample the delights only I have to offer.

**PC:** Look, I'm going to try and be polite just this once. Kindly leave me alone you sack of… manure.

**Salvanas**: Come now; do not be shy, my luscious vixen. I can see the desire I inflame in you. Do not deny yourself.

**Anomen**: Cur! How dare you address a lady in such a vile manner!

**Sarevok**: Shut your mouth fool, before I have your head on a pike.

**Salvanas**: _(ignores them)_ Prepare for a night of untold pleasures, my sweet. What do you say?

**Sarevok**: You are inches away from the beating of your life, elf.

**PC**: Oh, what the hell! Salvanas, I thought you'd never ask.

**Salvanas**: Think of the things I could… What! You mean…

**Anomen**: _(sighs_) Must you insist on carrying on with this charade? I trust it will at least be brief.

**Sarevok**: _(stops and looks at you in shock)_ Woman, have you taken leave of your senses? You can not be seriously considering bedding this cretin.

**PC**: _(whispers)_ Just play along. This should be hilarious.

**Sarevok**: I would prefer to gut the fool where he stands. That would be amusement enough for me. But, I'll abide by your wishes. For now.

**Salvanas**: You wish to, ah… Of course, I'm happy to serve in any way, my beauty. Let us away, and soon you will be gasping under my exquisite touch.

**PC**: Why, you must desire me madly to risk such unspeakable agony.

**Salvanas**:_ (gulp)_ Unspeakable agony? Why do you say such things, my delicate flower?

**PC**: Well, I could lose control…

**Salvanas**: _(relaxes visibly) _That happens to all the women I grace with my attentions.

**PC**: …and tear you limb from limb as I turn into the Slayer.

**Salvanas**: _(pales)_ The Slayer?

**PC**: The avatar of the god of murder. Claws, fangs, scales. You know, the usual. But that doesn't frighten _you,_ Salvanas, does it? _(bat eyes innocently at him)_

**Salvanas**: _(grabs a nearby chair to keep himself upright) _Avatar, fangs... Surely, you jest!

**PC**: Salvanas, you're not _frightened_, are you? _(goes towards him)_

**Salvanas**:_ (starts visibly shaking) _Ah! Keep away!

**PC:** In fact, I think it's happening right now. The sight of you in all your manly glory is proving to be too much for my feminine nerves. _(eyes start glowing)_ By the gods man, run! Save yourself!

**Salvanas**: AAAAH! OUT OF MY WAY! _(runs for the door)_

**PC**: _(yells after him)_ Darling! Come back! _(snickers and turns to her companions)_ What?

**Anomen**: My lady, why you converse with such gutter trash at all is beyond my comprehension. However, this time you were right to make an exception. 'Twas truly entertaining. I applaud your performance. _(he chuckles) _

**Sarevok**: Ha! The sniveling worm actually ran away. Well done! I do not approve of such foolishness generally, but you were right to put him in his place. Come, some ale would be welcome in this heat.

**

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Or, for a more volatile PC...** **

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**Salvanas:** What is this luscious example of womanhood I see before me? Your lovely posterior is driving this poor elf to near distraction. My sweet, allow me to partake of your charms this evening… Oh, it's _you_!

**PC: **Salvanas? (_sigh_) Go away. I'm in no mood for your brand of conversation tonight. Or any other night, for that matter.

**Sarevok**: _(frowns)_

**Anomen**: By Helm, not you again!

**Salvanas**: You wound me, fair one. Think of the loss to the world if Salvanas should perish. Who would the women turn to in the long hours of the night? Who would…

**PC**: Why me? That's all I ask.

**Salvanas**: … caress their aching bodies and bring them the pleasure they so deserve. Why, it would have been a tragedy of untold proportions if I hadn't used my unparalleled skills to escape the doomed city in time.

**PC:** (_rolls eyes_)Out with it, then.

**Salvanas**: It is a tale of daring, love unrequited (on her side obviously), and lust. Oh, the lust! If you would accompany me to my chambers I could share with you all the exquisite details.

**Sarevok**: You dare speak to your betters in such a manner?

**Anomen**: My lady, let us away. The company here leaves something to be desired.

**PC**: Let's just get back to your story. I believe you were about to tell me which ogre you had to bed in order to get out of Ahkatla.

**Salvanas:** (_indignant_)I never heard such slandering remarks in all my born days. But, I will let it pass, just this once. The _lady_ in question was a stunning, radiant beauty who, after a single night in my arms, professed her undying love and devotion to me. Of course, Salvanas can never devote himself to any single beauty. There _are_ the needs of the many to think of. She was crushed, naturally, but she smuggled me through the siege none the less. After all, once you taste the delights Salvanas has to offer, you can never go back.

**PC**: (_sigh_) If that's what you need to tell yourself.

**Salvanas:** You cannot doubt my words! I assure you, it is the absolute truth. (_attenpts to look seductive_) Come with me, sweetness, and I will prove it to you.

**Sarevok**: (_incredulous_) Who is this foppish oaf?

**PC**: (_off hand_) Do you really need to know? He'll be a messy stain on the floor in about five seconds anyway.

**Sarevok: **(_nods_) A most deserving fate, no doubt. I will leave you to it.

**Salvanas**: Err… You don't mean that, my delicate flower. Come with me, and I will show you delights the gods themselves will envy.

**Anomen:** Cur! How dare you address a lady in such a vile manner!

**Sarevok:** Shut your mouth fool, before I have your head on a pike.

**Salvanas**: (_Ignores them_) Prepare for a night of untold pleasures my sweet. What do you say?

**PC**: How about taking a long walk off a really short pear instead? Or better yet, go find the nearest cliff and take a flying leap. If I'm being unintentionally vague here, please, feel free to say so.

**Sarevok**: (_smiles_) I do believe that you are inches away from the beating of your life, elf.

**Salvanas**: Come now; do not be shy, my luscious vixen. I can see the desire I inflame in you. Do not deny yourself.

**PC**: (_exasperated_) Salvanas, you do know I am a Bhaalspawn, right?

**Salvanas**: Bhaalspawn? (_scoffs_) Why do you say such pretty lies, my beauty? One can see just by looking at you that you are of a most delicate nature.

**Sarevo**k: Oh yes, most delicate.

**PC**: You're loving this, aren't you?

**Sarevok**: Be sure to remember to curtsy before you remove his worthless head from his shoulders.

**Salvanas**: Ignore this ruffian, my dear. Salvanas will protect you.

**PC**: Listen, you brainless weakling, I _am_ a Bhaalspawn!

**Salvanas**: Of course you are. _(wink)_ Let us retire for the night and you can show me just how ferocious you can be.

**Sarevok**: I do not believe you are getting your point across. Perhaps it is time to try deadlier forms of persuasion. I would be my pleasure to assist.

**PC**: (_through clenched teeth_) Obviously, you are of limited mental capacity. Let's go over this one more time. (_speaks slowly_) Listen closely, idiot. I am a Bhaalspawn and therefore easily incited to extreme bouts of violence. On the off chance you do not enjoy having your larynx ripped out through your nose, the wise course of action would be to leave now and never return.

**Salvanas**: _(pales)_ Ripped out… No, you would not do that.

**PC**: Yes, I would. I would enjoy it too. And after that, I'd have to get creative.

**Salvanas**: _(gulp)_

**PC**: I'll tell you what? If you want to keep all of your parts, you will start running now. I'm feeling magnanimous so I'll give you a head start. Ok?

**Salvanas**: Parts? Which parts? You don't mean…

**PC**: I'll start with your favorites.

**Salvanas**: You would deprive yourself of such bliss? I do not believe that.

**PC**: Believe it. In fact, I think I'll start now. _(shoves him against the wall)_

**Salvanas**: _(chokes)_ What… what are you doing? Unhand me.

**PC**: Preventing you from procreating for the sake of future generations. Now, this may hurt a bit. Any last words before you start singing soprano?

**Salvanas**: _(in an unusually high voice)_ Please, release me. I will never bother you again, I promise.

**PC**: You promise? What about other members of the female race unfortunate enough to cross your path. Will you behave?

**Salvanas**: Yes! Let go of me! I will treat every woman with the respect she deserves.

**PC**: Sure you will. You know, we should do this more often. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. Run along little man. _(lets him go)_

**Salvanas**: _(coughs)_ You ruffian! You dare manhandle Salvanas? Why, you are no lady!

**PC**: And your point is?

**Salvanas**: Arrrgh! Why you… I will have my revenge.

**PC**: Was that supposed to sound threatening? _(turn to your companions)_ Do you feel threatened?

**Anomen**: Indeed, I am shaken to my very core. The only reason I am not running away in sheer terror is because my fear has paralyzed me.

**Sarevok**: Why do you bother humoring this worm? Kill him and be done with it.

**Anomen**: Because my lady does not go around killing people. (_considers_) However irritating they may be. She is a force of good and right, not a killer like you.

**Sarevok**: If you truly believe that, then you are more of a fool than even I imagined.

**Anomen**: Be careful what you say about my lady, or so help me, I will call the wrath of the Great Watcher upon you.

**Sarevok**: She is a Bhaalspawn, priest. She is a killer by the very definition.

**PC**: Enough! I know well enough who and what I am Sarevok. I do not need you to tell me. Or you to come to my rescue Anomen. I can take care of myself just fine.

**Sarevok**: Very well. We will speak of it some other time.

**Anomen**: I was merely defending your honor, my love. I am well aware of the fact you need no one to rescue you. Truly, more often then not, it is I that needed to be rescued. But I can not endure that abominations presence much longer. Why you insist on dragging him along is beyond my comprehension.

**Salvanas: **You dare ignore Salvanas? Consequences will be dire!

**PC**: Salvanas? You're still here? I guess you didn't understand the whole 'run or be dismembered' thing.

**Salvanas**: Dismembered? Um… what's that I hear? They need more soldiers manning the walls? Yes! I'm coming captain! (_runs for the door_)

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**Author's note: **

This is just a bit of TOB humour. Did you ever wonder what would happen if Salvanas ended up in the Saradush inn after the sacking of Athatla? Well, I did. This is my take on it.


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